Notes on a Scandal – The things we hide.

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We all have secrets, things we bury deep. The parts of us we don’t want people to see. Things we are ashamed of and that make us fear that if others knew they mightn’t  appreciate us as much as they do. The truth us we are more consumed by notions of self perfection than we may realize and what get’s complicated is when life begins to unearth these things, these elements within ourselves that we bury deep and sometimes won’t even let out spouses or closest friends and family know that we feel. The thing about this is I’m a hairstylist and for some reason we tend to feel comfortable talking to our stylist. It’s easy to sit in a chair that’s not in a therapist’s office and feel comfortable enough to share candidly and what I have learnt is we all have these hidden moments that can really hit us hard. So in this post I want to share how to cope with that little voice in your head and sometimes heart, that makes you feel lesser than, you know what I mean, the things we wish we could sweep under a magic carpet and pretend don’t exist and perhaps never existed.

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Feelings of Inferiority and Rejection

We all feel it! That’s the first thing we all need to stop and realize. Most of us are carrying around little phrases that other people told us were true about ourselves and we believed them. Why? Often because the people who have voiced their opinion are important to us and we love them and we value what they say. We give in to the idea that we are incapable in some way or another. We assume the roles we loathe the most and instead of remembering our victories and redemption, we linger on our loss, our failure, our moments of inferiority  and/or rejection. We give in to what people  thought about us,(sometimes on a whim without much thought at all). You gotta let go. You don’t actually have to believe all the things people tell you just because you respect them a whole damn lot – They, like you, are human and they don’t always get it all right. Each of us has a perception of things how they are, how they should be and sometimes those perceptions aren’t as sturdy as we give them power to be. At times we just get things wrong. We forget that people’s opinions aren’t always the truth because we become hurt before we give ourselves the chance to become logical.

It’s often not easy to face these nasty little truths but you must. You must let go of the ugly things you think to yourself about yourself. Stop feeling so bad about them because the truth is you aren’t alone and we all have them in ways that people looking in from the outside probably wouldn’t even notice. Subsequently, when we have these naughty little nasty thoughts about ourselves and feel low defeated and just about as derelict as an old chattel house on slipping soil we have to remember how great we really are. So when you think “I just suck and I really will never be as successful as I want to be” please stop yourself and create a new habit – a new thought addiction- say “I will do what needs to be done for me to achieve the success I want.” Eventually correcting yourself begins to stick and you slowly begin to let go. This doesn’t always make the journey in between easier, but I’ve been trying this all year and it does help us to bounce back faster from the tough times. We create nasty habits of thought, in regards to our self image and it’s time to create good clean habits and understandings of ourselves no matter how much we fall short. Remember little by little makes a lot and determination is incredible fuel for most things, even thoughts.

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On Feelings of Failure

So you set out with a plan, you thought that you considered all the variables. You tried your best, you gave your all, you got excited … and then poof like magic it all fell apart anyway. You did all you could possibly have conjured up to do and really thought you covered all your bases and like a thief in the night, all the joy and hope you had feels like it’s just been snatched from you without you even understanding clearly how it all fell apart. So what do you do when a moment or even back to back moments make you feel like a big ole load of nothingness? You stop being irrational! Remember that your failures may be tough but you must find a way to rationalize how they can be used to serve you and perhaps serve others. Most of us have a horrible outlook on what it feels like to have a bunch of things or even sometimes just one thing fall through. It can feel like the end of the world, or at the very least, the end of your world. You beat yourself up, but the truth is failures will always occur because we have to learn and we aren’t going to get everything right every single time. Human nature, in and of itself is the epitome of what we, as human beings, define as imperfection so why do we hate our natural state so much? Maybe its just life? Perhaps this ebb and flow, this push and pull, is what life is all about and we have to stop lingering and the “kicks” and valuing the good times more than we value the bad times. I’ve noticed that we learn more about ourselves in the bad times than in the good and yet we hate those times more than any other but, it is in fact ur toughest seasons that tend to show us who we really are, who we want to be and what we actually need to do to get there.

We win some we loose some. We won’t always get it right even if sometimes we have done all we could. I’m a firm believer in many cases that there’s always a way so moments like this always hit me hard and it’s in a large way due to my natural way of processing things. When you think nothing is impossible it’s hard to discover that something wasn’t possible or at least not at the time. So maybe tweak your analysis a touch and think ” I did my best for now and next time my approach will be different because now I know better” or let it go. Sometimes we fight for things that aren’t meant to be fought for and in time we understand why. You are not a failure in life just because you have had failures in life. You are learning – think of it as a class rather than a massive failure.

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On Loneliness

You’ve  loved and lost. You’ve had friends who no longer exist or loved ones who’ve passed away. Sometimes you’re in a room full of people but still feel like you don’t quite fit in or you miss those so much who you found understanding and companionship in. In some cases you’re married but still feel just as alone as the single folk. Loneliness is more linked to companionship and belonging than it is to physical presence. Some of us frankly will never fit in and for some of us finding true intimacy or companionship is really tough for one reason or another and it’s heartbreaking. I can definitely tell you it’s really tough pill for me to swallow and I’ve choked on it many times. In fact I’ve found that to be honest, for me few things feel worse. We work on ourselves sometimes and still we feel like we could just appreciate the joy off having someone to share it all with. I don’t know that I always even have the answer to this one, but when you feel lonely fake it till you make it. Stop and think about at least 1 person in our life who has cared for you … call them up and spread some care to them. Take a minute to wish people a good day. Stop yourself for a second and think of all those who you are thankful for … even if it’s just the postman who says hi every morning or your pets who are happy to see you. Loneliness is a tough pill to swallow but sometimes if you take a moment to jump out of the lonely and sad pool you may realize that there are a few more people you could be sharing moments with than you had noticed before and if you truly don’t have those people … read. Sounds odd right? … but when you read books or listen to music people have written you are forced to remember that everyone feels like this and if you stay optimistic,  change often begins to manifest when you least expect it. Stay hopeful don’t linger in your loneliness. When all else fails remember that your own company can be pretty damn awesome too. I’ve heard so many people who are coupled up wishing for moments away from their companionship so maybe there’s something or a few things that aren’t so bad about being lonely and being just with yourself. The grass always seems greener but even hay serves its purpose i.e. even dried up grass is good for something 🙂 Perspective is everything.

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Social media is interesting in the sense that it actually makes us a lot less social and we give in to far too many unrealistic ideals. I try my best to use the concept [of social media] to express authentic truth and to actually be social as it pertains to the issues and concepts I try to touch on. So there you go the above are things we all feel but hardly post. We all hurt some days and cry on others… ( even me and I hate crying so much that my eyes are actually naturally dry). We all have our low moments and our horrible thoughts about ourselves. We all feel like we just want to give up and we hide. We hide the things that make us seem less than perfect because we fear that we won’t be accepted. It’s understandable but it’s best to just learn to be okay with all of who you are. Seek to better at what you can but love it, love it all! Sometimes the acceptance we look for on social media, in our environs and from others is the acceptance we need to find within ourselves. Instead of creating an illusion of a pretty picture let us seek to actually paint the picture we really want little by little each day. Remind yourself daily what loving one’s self really means. When we learn love within ourselves we understand loving others so much more. We all have secrets, go easy on others, go easy on you.

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Shot on location in my little ole bedroom which is heavily decorated with a ton of items- tid-bits and trinkets- from Dwellings. As always special thanks to Khalil Goodman for bringing out my inner and outer beauty lol in a way only he can and to Un Dimanche a Paris for creating and retailing pieces that I love to wear to both  fancy dinners and to lounge at home because they all make me feel so comfy and still gorgeous.

2 thoughts on “Notes on a Scandal – The things we hide.

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